What are you AIMING for?

In a realistic portrait art class, this wouldn’t fly:

Realistic Portrait

Grade: F+

In a draw-something-in-three-seconds-which-looks-semi-human-but-also-kind-of-like-a-duck class, I’d do fairy well.

Grade: B – –

But I love that little guy. I feel an emotional attachment to him. Does he have arms? No. Does that matter? Hell no.

Keep on rockin’

My Brain is Trying to Kill Me

So I had this great idea for a comic the other day…

I realized that everything in my life was fine. That underneath all my depression & anxiety was a curious, passionate person who actually was quite a fan of life.

In fact, I thought as I walked in the rain without an umbrella, the only problem is my brain. My brain is trying to kill me.

The preferred pastime of my brain seems to be working tirelessly to convince me that everything is terrible, especially me. I don’t really appreciate it, but it’s also the truth of my current situation.

…So then I thought it would be fun to draw a little comic of my brain pointing a gun (or maybe a bazooka) at me. It was a cute idea, until i realized that I don’t know how to draw a brain OR a bazooka.

It sucks when your (lack of) skills interfere with your questionably brilliant ideas.

I mused about what to do for a while, then sat down and drew the comic anyway. And since I already told you what it is, you’re not allowed to say, “What’s that weird blobby thing?”

It’s a brain. It’s supposed to be a brain. With a bazooka.

Untitled design (2)

Meditation, in the form of Comics

…and badly-drawn comics, at that.

I bring this up because I just started an Instagram account for my weird drawings and unwelcome thoughts, but with hashtags like #depression and #mentalhealth I started seeing a lot of people who post inspirational sayings and little daily encouragements.

I’ve never been that much of an optimistic person, so although I enjoy reading these posts, I doubt you’ll see me post something like that anytime soon. What’s more, although I wouldn’t be surprised if inspirational sayings were healthy and helpful to a lot of people, there’s something about them that doesn’t quite work for me.

I don’t feel better. And the more vague or generic they are, the worse it is. I like my fantasy with a little reality, and for me, the journey towards mental health does not always involve daisies and sunshine.

If it helps you, great.

***

At first I wasn’t sure about making my comics so depressing. I thought maybe they would encourage me to wallow and feel sorry for myself….even spiral into depression.

But the opposite occurred.

I constantly have the thoughts which turn into my comics whether I want to or not, but WRITING THEM DOWN allows me to see those thoughts in a form which is not inside my own head.

I got to laugh at them. I got to see my thoughts as separate from ME.

As someone who has MANY TIMES started and stopped meditation, I have a complicated relationship with it. It literally took me years to realize that meditation wasn’t STOPPING THINKING (my Westernized belief), but OBSERVING THINKING in a neutral way.

Whenever I meditate, I often get swept up in random thoughts, and then the negative self-talk joins in, kindly informing me: You’re meditating WRONG. Do it BETTER. Do it perfectly the FIRST TIME.

To come full circle, I realized that my comics were a physical representation of my meditation process. There were my negative, neurotic, unhelpful thoughts…right there on the paper. And I was observing them. Just observing. And gaining some very interesting and much-needed perspective.

Who knew my little scribbles could be so enlightening?

follow-my-dreams.jpeg

It’s Maaaaaaagic!

I’ve had some stupid ideas in my life, including some which I’m very proud of.

But my ‘most stupidest’ of thoughts are the ones which cycle through my head daily…like laundry…but if laundry was something that was supposed to take pristine clothes and roll them around in dirt. [In case none of you noticed, I just wrote a poem]

…for example, my idea of “perfection” involving me magically becoming a person who does not need to be perfect:

Perfection_1

…or my obsession with happiness, living in the present, connection, and finding meaning being the biggest roadblocks to me actually achieving those things:

Happy_1

But maybe, after all these years, I’ve developed a soft spot for these ridiculous yet endearing things I do.

No. No, I haven’t.

A Sensible Life, Part III: The Best Advice I’ve Ever Heard

I’m sure you’re dying to know how my quest to find a sensible career is coming.

My subconscious has a tradition, whenever I am either in the midst of a significant life change, to give me extremely violent nightmares.

Well, lately I’ve been having extremely violent nightmares. They’re usually quite intricate, with a full-blown plot and lovable characters (who die gruesomely yet poetically).

And of course, there is one exception: sometimes I get violent, bloody dreams when I’m about to make an incredibly stupid decision. It’s like a helpful compass.

I may become a therapist yet…but not yet. Not yet. I have unfinished business to do first.

***

I sat down with my parents the other day, and kindly shared that I would still be needing their money, but for different studies that I had previously mentioned. It was something I’d never asked for money for before: something not sensible.

They just listened.

I said something along the lines of, “I’ve always loved art…and creativity… But this goes against every fiber of my being. I’m afraid that if I put money—your money—into schooling which has very little guarantee of a job after graduation, let alone a lucrative career, I will end up losing what’s really important: my money. And then I won’t be able to pay for rent, or food, and I’ll die of a combination of starvation and humiliation.”

Silence.

So I awkwardly filled the silence with, “A career is not something to fiddle with. A career should be sensible. Sensible.”

To which my dad responded, “I’ve always thought it’s best to have an un-sensible life and sensible shoes.”

Thank you, dad.

Sensible Shoes_1Sensible Shoes_2

 

Job Interview

Job interviews are an always odd and usually unpleasant experience. Particularly if you’re not qualified to do anything except drink tea & complain.

 

I think this comic says it all.

On jobs, strange requirements for:

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