My Brain is Trying to Kill Me

So I had this great idea for a comic the other day…

I realized that everything in my life was fine. That underneath all my depression & anxiety was a curious, passionate person who actually was quite a fan of life.

In fact, I thought as I walked in the rain without an umbrella, the only problem is my brain. My brain is trying to kill me.

The preferred pastime of my brain seems to be working tirelessly to convince me that everything is terrible, especially me. I don’t really appreciate it, but it’s also the truth of my current situation.

…So then I thought it would be fun to draw a little comic of my brain pointing a gun (or maybe a bazooka) at me. It was a cute idea, until i realized that I don’t know how to draw a brain OR a bazooka.

It sucks when your (lack of) skills interfere with your questionably brilliant ideas.

I mused about what to do for a while, then sat down and drew the comic anyway. And since I already told you what it is, you’re not allowed to say, “What’s that weird blobby thing?”

It’s a brain. It’s supposed to be a brain. With a bazooka.

Untitled design (2)

A Sensible Life, Part III: The Best Advice I’ve Ever Heard

I’m sure you’re dying to know how my quest to find a sensible career is coming.

My subconscious has a tradition, whenever I am either in the midst of a significant life change, to give me extremely violent nightmares.

Well, lately I’ve been having extremely violent nightmares. They’re usually quite intricate, with a full-blown plot and lovable characters (who die gruesomely yet poetically).

And of course, there is one exception: sometimes I get violent, bloody dreams when I’m about to make an incredibly stupid decision. It’s like a helpful compass.

I may become a therapist yet…but not yet. Not yet. I have unfinished business to do first.

***

I sat down with my parents the other day, and kindly shared that I would still be needing their money, but for different studies that I had previously mentioned. It was something I’d never asked for money for before: something not sensible.

They just listened.

I said something along the lines of, “I’ve always loved art…and creativity… But this goes against every fiber of my being. I’m afraid that if I put money—your money—into schooling which has very little guarantee of a job after graduation, let alone a lucrative career, I will end up losing what’s really important: my money. And then I won’t be able to pay for rent, or food, and I’ll die of a combination of starvation and humiliation.”

Silence.

So I awkwardly filled the silence with, “A career is not something to fiddle with. A career should be sensible. Sensible.”

To which my dad responded, “I’ve always thought it’s best to have an un-sensible life and sensible shoes.”

Thank you, dad.

Sensible Shoes_1Sensible Shoes_2

 

A Sensible Life, Part I: Career Comparisons

12 Peter and Wendy - F D Bedford - 1911Lately I’ve been obsessed with becoming a “real grown-up” and choosing a career. But not just any career…a SENSIBLE career. One which has at least a 50% chance of leading to a “job-thingy.”

Should you be in a similar (sinking) boat, I’ve rated the following careers for your convenience.

I’ve personally considered all of these careers with relative seriousness.

Each job has been rated under the following categories:

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling)
  • Job Security
  • Job Respect (When you tell people what you do, do they say “Oh,” in that unsure, disappointed way or in that I get you, you’re a reasonable person who doesn’t take chances and I appreciate that sort of way?)
  • $$$
  • Glamour Factor
  • I Wanna Do That

The rating scale is from 0-100, with 0 being “this job has none of it” and 100 being “this job has it all, and I am a god of this earth!”

Jobs up for Consideration:

Therapist

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 81
  • Job Security: 82
  • Job Respect
    • If you wear glasses: 88
    • If you don’t wear glasses: 80
  • $$$: 78
    • Having seen a number of therapists throughout my life, I’m aware that they have a very respectable hourly wage. So respectable, in fact, I’d rather be a train wreck than pay it.
  • Glamour Factor: 66
  • I Wanna Do That: 66

Park Ranger

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 65
  • Job Security: No idea. I’ll say 64
  • Job Respect: 67
  • $$$: 38
  • Glamour Factor
    • For hippies: 78
    • For everyone else: 44
  • I Wanna Do That: 68

Lawyer lawyer-ruling.Billion_Photos.shutterstock-370x242

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 77
  • Job Security: 76
  • Job Respect: 96
  • $$$
    • As a Public Defender: 33
    • As one of those lawyers like you see on fancy detective shows: 100
  • Glamour Factor: 100
    • When you’re working the long hours and you can’t pick out which children are yours on the playground: 66
  • I Wanna Do That: No.

b88526235z1_20170110165215_000glbfdljq2-0-f90cirm0ctmucdtpjn2_ct677x380Mortician

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 89
  • Job Security: 94 (It’s a reasonable certainty that people will continue to die, no matter how long it takes me to complete my schooling)
  • Job Respect: 88 (“Sensible. Very sensible.”)
  • $$$: 63
  • Glamour Factor: 100
  • I Wanna Do That
    • Before I realized that most of the job was putting gaudy makeup on corpses and comforting whiny relatives: 99
    • After I realized: 44

Screenwriter

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 7
  • Job Security: 4
  • Job Respect
    • Movies that break the box office: 100
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 9
  • $$$
    • Movies that break the box office: 78
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 9
  • Glamour Factor: 96
  • I Wanna Do That: 92

Film/TV Director

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 7
  • Job Security: 7
  • Job Respect
    • Movies that break the box office: 100
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 12
  • $$$
    • Movies that break the box office: 87
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 6
  • Glamour Factor: 99
  • I Wanna Do That: 93

Whiskey_Fragrance_OilProfessional Alcoholic

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 100
  • Job Security: 100
  • Job Respect: 1
  • $$$: 0
  • Glamour Factor: 50
  • I Wanna Do That: 97

 

 

 

And so, we add up the scores of the choices above, and it seems I will be becoming…a broke blogger.

I knew it.

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