What are you AIMING for?

In a realistic portrait art class, this wouldn’t fly:

Realistic Portrait

Grade: F+

In a draw-something-in-three-seconds-which-looks-semi-human-but-also-kind-of-like-a-duck class, I’d do fairy well.

Grade: B – –

But I love that little guy. I feel an emotional attachment to him. Does he have arms? No. Does that matter? Hell no.

Keep on rockin’

My Brain is Trying to Kill Me

So I had this great idea for a comic the other day…

I realized that everything in my life was fine. That underneath all my depression & anxiety was a curious, passionate person who actually was quite a fan of life.

In fact, I thought as I walked in the rain without an umbrella, the only problem is my brain. My brain is trying to kill me.

The preferred pastime of my brain seems to be working tirelessly to convince me that everything is terrible, especially me. I don’t really appreciate it, but it’s also the truth of my current situation.

…So then I thought it would be fun to draw a little comic of my brain pointing a gun (or maybe a bazooka) at me. It was a cute idea, until i realized that I don’t know how to draw a brain OR a bazooka.

It sucks when your (lack of) skills interfere with your questionably brilliant ideas.

I mused about what to do for a while, then sat down and drew the comic anyway. And since I already told you what it is, you’re not allowed to say, “What’s that weird blobby thing?”

It’s a brain. It’s supposed to be a brain. With a bazooka.

Untitled design (2)

The Unwritten Rules: Special Holiday Edition

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Merry Happy Holidays!

[I personally celebrate Christmas, because I firmly believe in me getting presents.]

Welcome to this very special Holiday Edition of The Unwritten Rules. Poor yourself a glass of boozy eggnog and relax by the fire!

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You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, tough. There are CEOs who need YOU to help them get extra-nice yachts and islands for their unspoiled children by buying many things from their large corporations!

There are menorah to be lit! Stockings to be hung! Naughty children to be yelled at! Relatives to visit! Halls to be decked! Decks to be slipped on because they were icy but it’s that dark kind of ice and you didn’t notice!

So to help you cope with the stress, I’ve made up a list of handy-dandy rules to help you avoid any embarrassing faux pas:

  • Do not bring up anyone’s drinking problem, unless of course you yourself have now “had a few,” and suddenly think it’d be a good idea to just “clear the air”

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  • Cat’s tails are not to be stepped on, EVEN IF you’ve already had a few special holiday drinks. Sometimes cats will be tripped over, but that’s to be expected.

 

  • Anyone will tell you that when relatives visit, it’s best to avoid topics of religion, politics, or anything which one can have an opinion on. Is this true? Yes, it’s true. …But social norms can be adapted. Why not set up a cute little boxing ring as the centerpiece for your living area? It’s a conversation topic, it really “pulls the room together,” and it can allow dueling relatives to release their aggression in a healthy way while SIMULTANEOUSLY providing entertainment and staying out of the way. [note: If you think that this is “not classy,” just remember that anything, no matter how distasteful from a distance, can become nostalgic and accepted simply by labeling it a “Tradition.”]

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  • It is unacceptable to give someone a present “wrapped” in the crumpled paper bag in came in. HOWEVER, a simple bow or a sharp piece of holly can add the right touch.

 

  • Parents: No, you may NOT buy a Christmas tree on January 2nd. No matter how great the tree is. If you buy a tree before December 5th, it is allowed to be small and/or ratty, because your children get to enjoy it for an extended period of time. [A handy holiday tip: if your tree doesn’t have a strong scent, try putting a piece of cod or salmon amidst the branches. The smell will permeate the entire house before long! If you want a more traditional “pine” scent, maybe you should have bought a better tree.]

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  • Be careful of re-gifting! I keep a thorough chart of who has given me what lousy gift throughout the years. I’m thinking of becoming a millionaire with my patented iphone “Gift (Cr)App” which tracks and sorts this for you.

 

  • Do not give someone a present simply because YOU want it, unless you’re very sneaky about it. For example, if your sister needs a new pair of shoes, get her one. Then claim you didn’t know she was a size 7, and you thought she’d said she wanted men’s dress shoes. Then offer to take them back.

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  • It is not classy to ask your relatives to pay the highly expensive postage it cost you to send them their very cheap presents.

 

General Holiday Tips and Tricks 🙂

  1. Stay classy!
  2. Be sassy!
  3. You cannot sing four-part carol harmonies by yourself
  4. Do you enjoy the finer things in life but don’t have the budget for it?  Invite yourself to as many holiday parties as possible, show up with cheap wine (or say, “I made homemade cookies decorated to look like the cast of The Great British Baking Show, but I accidentally left them on the bus”). Then eat everything.
  5. Watch The Great British Baking Show: Holiday Special, and enjoy the tasty and tasteful treats the bakers spend hours crafting, as you stick your hand repeatedly into a bag of store-bought cookies shaped like stars.

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May you have a cozy and restful holiday season!

I Had the Weirdest Dream Last Night…

In all fairness, compared to the typical unusual level of my dreams, last night’s was extremely tame.

I dreamed I was going to the hospital for important surgery, but on my way to the car I decided to head back into my house to grab a notebook and some more miso soup.

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Once inside— where I was suddenly a tavern worker— I decided to help myself to the soup on the table of this husband and wife. The soup was now bean soup for some reason.

As I was leaning over their table, helping myself, the woman stood up and accused me of hitting on her husband. I was shocked. Then she just kind of disappeared, and something fell into the pot I was ladling out of.

I asked her husband where she’d gone. He said she was a witch, and was now in the soup. If she was in the main soup pot on the table I was safe, but if she’d fallen into MY soup bowl and I ate it, she would kill me by burning all the flesh off of my body.

I knew that I probably shouldn’t take the chance, but I still kind of wanted to eat it, because it was really good soup.

As I was deciding what to do my cat jumped on my face and woke me up.

“I love Rejection”

This was posted on facebook when someone shared my blog. I thought the comment was also worth sharing: “I LOVE rejection. Means I hit a nerve…”

What an interesting way to look at it, Diana.

The comment made me want to share my favorite type of rejection/reaction to my work, the doesn’t even know how to react:

“It’s very…creative.” (said with disdain)

“I don’t even know how to respond to this.”

and

“Are you being serious?”

Share your favorite rejections below!

A Sensible Life, Part I: Career Comparisons

12 Peter and Wendy - F D Bedford - 1911Lately I’ve been obsessed with becoming a “real grown-up” and choosing a career. But not just any career…a SENSIBLE career. One which has at least a 50% chance of leading to a “job-thingy.”

Should you be in a similar (sinking) boat, I’ve rated the following careers for your convenience.

I’ve personally considered all of these careers with relative seriousness.

Each job has been rated under the following categories:

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling)
  • Job Security
  • Job Respect (When you tell people what you do, do they say “Oh,” in that unsure, disappointed way or in that I get you, you’re a reasonable person who doesn’t take chances and I appreciate that sort of way?)
  • $$$
  • Glamour Factor
  • I Wanna Do That

The rating scale is from 0-100, with 0 being “this job has none of it” and 100 being “this job has it all, and I am a god of this earth!”

Jobs up for Consideration:

Therapist

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 81
  • Job Security: 82
  • Job Respect
    • If you wear glasses: 88
    • If you don’t wear glasses: 80
  • $$$: 78
    • Having seen a number of therapists throughout my life, I’m aware that they have a very respectable hourly wage. So respectable, in fact, I’d rather be a train wreck than pay it.
  • Glamour Factor: 66
  • I Wanna Do That: 66

Park Ranger

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 65
  • Job Security: No idea. I’ll say 64
  • Job Respect: 67
  • $$$: 38
  • Glamour Factor
    • For hippies: 78
    • For everyone else: 44
  • I Wanna Do That: 68

Lawyer lawyer-ruling.Billion_Photos.shutterstock-370x242

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 77
  • Job Security: 76
  • Job Respect: 96
  • $$$
    • As a Public Defender: 33
    • As one of those lawyers like you see on fancy detective shows: 100
  • Glamour Factor: 100
    • When you’re working the long hours and you can’t pick out which children are yours on the playground: 66
  • I Wanna Do That: No.

b88526235z1_20170110165215_000glbfdljq2-0-f90cirm0ctmucdtpjn2_ct677x380Mortician

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 89
  • Job Security: 94 (It’s a reasonable certainty that people will continue to die, no matter how long it takes me to complete my schooling)
  • Job Respect: 88 (“Sensible. Very sensible.”)
  • $$$: 63
  • Glamour Factor: 100
  • I Wanna Do That
    • Before I realized that most of the job was putting gaudy makeup on corpses and comforting whiny relatives: 99
    • After I realized: 44

Screenwriter

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 7
  • Job Security: 4
  • Job Respect
    • Movies that break the box office: 100
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 9
  • $$$
    • Movies that break the box office: 78
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 9
  • Glamour Factor: 96
  • I Wanna Do That: 92

Film/TV Director

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 7
  • Job Security: 7
  • Job Respect
    • Movies that break the box office: 100
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 12
  • $$$
    • Movies that break the box office: 87
    • Movies no one’s ever heard of: 6
  • Glamour Factor: 99
  • I Wanna Do That: 93

Whiskey_Fragrance_OilProfessional Alcoholic

  • Job Guarantee (after schooling): 100
  • Job Security: 100
  • Job Respect: 1
  • $$$: 0
  • Glamour Factor: 50
  • I Wanna Do That: 97

 

 

 

And so, we add up the scores of the choices above, and it seems I will be becoming…a broke blogger.

I knew it.

A Great Idea

I’ve taken up the habit of replacing the word ‘opinion’ with ‘uninformed idea.’

…when referring to other people, of course.

For some reason, it bothers them.

There is such a thing…

…as a whoops-a-daisy!

 

It is round, and silly-looking, and its Latin name is Leucanthemum Superbum.

…I think because it’s so superb, but just guessing.

Sometimes I worry that life has no meaning, but then I stumble upon something as superbum as this.

Of course, life still has no inherent meaning built into it, (or so I believe, so it must be true), but sometimes a stack of daisies sitting in a lump can do the trick to brighten a dull day.

 

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