The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part XII]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark and Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing, they always ate scones together on Saturdays. Unfortunately, this particular scone was stale and had a slightly bitter aftertaste. What’s more, Anthony reMARKed on how the whipped cream on his hot chocolate tasted like the milk was just slightly overdone.

 

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I Haven’t Been Writing

Is rejection difficult? Duh.

And if you’re anything like me, after being rejected, you feel like your Rejectors are standing just behind you, looking over your shoulder as you write (or paint or juggle…), watching your every word and criticizing it.

Not just criticizing, though…laughing at you. Laughing at you with their successful friends and colleagues for thinking you should bother spending even another second trying to create something.

I was trying to stretch. Challenge myself. Put myself out there. Most unfortunately, I don’t regret it. Which means I’ll have to do it again. And again. Until I disintegrate into salt and dust because of all the rejection. And the laughing and pointing.

Ok, so I’m feeling mixed about it.

calvin-and-hobbes-write-what-you-know_orig

What I had to do, was bravely take a break. I had to acknowledge that I was hurting, acknowledge that I was shutting down so I didn’t have to feel it. Depending on who you are and how you work, sometimes it’s best to get right back on the horse.

But I know myself well enough to know I had to be gentle. So I took a break, and I grieved.

And…as of one week ago, I got the call again. The I can’t help it I miss my characters I miss writing I can’t help it I’m just the tiniest bit inspired call.

I reminded myself that those who’ve read my writing and didn’t like it, most likely forgot about both it and me just as soon as they put it down. For some, that would be the opposite of encouraging, but for me, it allows me once more to “write with the door closed.”

And finally, finally, those annoying people leaning over my shoulder go away. And I get to write in peace for a bit. Yesterday I wrote a scene with a bunch of boys playing cards. Nothing groundbreaking. But I still wrote it.

And it was fun.

On Poop, Carrying it with You

I realized this yesterday, when I had to double back to the park to throw away a bag of poop for the dog I had just walked.

Unwritten rule:

  • You can carry poop with you in a bag. Totally fine. Totally cool. In fact, it’s a positive thing because it means you didn’t leave poop on someone’s lawn or for someone to step in.
    • Still…hard to believe that in a society which considers pooping to be a very private activity, that it’s accepted to pick it up and carry it with you.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part XI]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

“Mark,” said Anthony, “Why do I feel so alone?”

“Beats me,” said Mark, “I feel fine.”

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part X]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

“Anthony?” said Mark, “Are you dead?”

“Yes,” said Anthony, “But it’s alright. I live…in you.”

“But Anthony,” said Mark, “I’m dead.”

“That’s ok,” said Anthony, “You live on…in me.”

“But Anthony,” and Mark, “We can’t both live on if we’re both dead. And living on only counts if someone alive remembers you.”

“Well, that just doesn’t sound right,” said Anthony.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part IX]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were in love. They were also friends. The best of friends. They even went to court about it. The judge ruled them ‘The very best of friends.’

“Didn’t we start that trial to fight the injustice of sidewalk cracks with no warning signs?” asked Anthony.

“Yes. Yes we did,” said Mark.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part VIII]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing, Mark Anthony were similar in many ways, but also very different. Mark enjoyed a quiet day on the beach. After he did that, he turned to Anthony—who had also enjoyed a quiet day on the beach—and informed him that he believed the two of them were similar in many ways, but also very different.

Anthony agreed without the slightest hesitation. They conversed for a while longer, and then Mark said he was ready to leave. “I am too,” said Anthony.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part VII]

note: this special post is dedicated to Any Name Here. Happy Birthday!!

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing, Mark always remembered when it was Anthony’s birthday. And Anthony always remembered to ‘mark’ the calendar for the third week in August, as that was their annual ‘Pepper-Spray Day.’ The festivities were rampant. Mark did not celebrate his birthday.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part VI]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were sitting together on a bench, watching the sun set. Anthony was leaning against the back-part of the bench, Mark was leaning against Anthony.

“Tell me something I don’t know, Anthony,” said Mark.

“You’re gay.”

Mark was bemused enough to lift his head.

“What?” said Mark.

“That’s right,” said Anthony.

“Oh,” said Mark. “Do I like you?”

“Yes,” said Anthony.

“Oh. Ok, then,” said Mark.

And he put his head-weight back against Anthony.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part III]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were the best of friends. Literally. No one was better at being friends than them. They made sure of it, because they were very competitive. Actually, only Mark was competitive. Anthony wasn’t. But they thought that was good, because they balanced each other out.

One day, Anthony was writing a short story for his class Unicorns & Disasters, but he was having trouble thinking of something to write about, except maybe Noah’s Ark. But that is used up, he thought.

Mark sensed that Anthony was struggling, so he walked over. This took a while, as Mark had been at the the local Farmers Market, and it was four miles away from Anthony’s house. He arrived out of breath—but thankfully still with purpose—for Anthony hadn’t thought of a single inspired idea the entire time.

“Anthony old pal, how can I help?”

“Well,” said Anthony, “You can help me by helping me.”

“Okay,” said Mark, “What are you writing about?”

“I don’t know,” said Anthony, “That’s the issue.”

“Hear me out…” said Mark, “What if…it was NOT an issue?”

“Good plan,” said Anthony, and set to work straight away. He wrote about how Unicorns are almost certain to be a cause of Disaster because of those silly pokey-things sticking out of their heads.

If you see a Unicorn, Anthony concluded, do not run straight towards it.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part II]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…

      Cast:

MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

***

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing, they always introduced each other that way.

“Hi, I’m Anthony, and this is my best friend Mark,” for example, was something that Anthony might say.

“Hi, I’m Mark, and this is my best friend Anthony,” to give a second example, was something which was often said by Mark.

Even though they already knew they were the best of friends, the constant repetition of the fact made it register in the subconscious of everyone they knew. Mark Anthony felt successful, because—being social animals—the acceptance of others gave them a warm, fuzzy feeling.

If I just…

This is a conundrum of mine. I’m always convinced that if just one thing in my life were different, then I would be happy. Ok, so sometimes there are a lot of things, but there’s usually one BIG thing. Something you’re stuck on.

And I know this system doesn’t work, because I have repeatedly achieved (or been handed on a silver platter) the thing I was desiring, and for some reason, it hasn’t made me happy.

Now I know , that if only I can let go of this insane craving for things to be “different,” then I will finally be happy.

***

As you may have noticed, I like to help people. So consult the handy guide below to find YOUR compulsive self-lie!

[there will be a $20 one-time charge if your compulsion is on the list. Whether this actually helps you or just ends up making things worse is NOT the fault of the company. No refunds.]

“If only I…

  • Made more money
  • Could make my artistic passions my career
  • Had a romantic partner
  • Had a (competent) business partner
  • Was just a little bit more attractive
  • Was, like, a LOT more attractive
  • Was popular
  • Was a movie star, yet humble about it
  • Lived somewhere else
  • Was more outgoing
  • Had a different personality that made people not hate me
  • Could travel the world
  • Jumped off this building

…then I would be happy!”

And before you ask, no. I’m not saying that none of these things should be pursued or might contribute to your overall satisfaction with life. And yes, you should quit your dumb job that you hate.

Trust me, no one’s more bummed than I am that happiness cannot be reduced to one factor. NO ONE.

A Sale on Commodities

There is a growing market today for what we can buy and sell, including: dignity, vanity, hot pockets, and sheep. Who can say where it’s going next? Stay off the bandwagon by reading these free comics:

 

On bananas, weird places to find:

 

Store O’ Stuff:

On Asking for a Raise

Quality Thought of the Day:

When asking for a raise, try to avoid certain word combinations, like:

“deep resentment”

and

“death of the soul”

 

How do I know this?

 

No reason.

The Unwritten Rules

[now in Written form, for your convenience]

This is a list which is long overdue. It will be added to approximately whenever I think of a new thing. Also feel free to send in a comment if you have a rule to add to the list!

 

Unwritten Rules, The:

  • ALWAYS notice AND comment on someone’s haircut
    • even if their hair looks exactly the same as it always does, and you never look at other people anyway
  • When someone asks “How are you?” it is acceptable to respond with one of the following:
    • good
    • fine
    • ok
    • not bad
    • hey! how are you?
  • It is NOT acceptable to respond with
    • terrible
    • who the hell are you?
    • can’t you tell, dumbo?
    • I am currently experiencing an emotional crisis
    • ogga-booga-booga

note: thankfully, this norm is breaking the in Pacific Northwest. I now consistently tell people that I’m doing terribly, and have been met with some very positive responses.

  • Do NOT tell someone you’ve never met that they are damaging their child for life, even if they are damaging their child for life
  • Do not play the guitar after 10:15pm, the Saxophone after 11:30pm, or the drums after 1:30am
  • If you are in a boring meeting, it is unacceptable to throw paper clips into the air as a distraction and escape out the window.
    • It is appropriate, however, to fall asleep at the table, but ONLY IF you bring your own blanket and pillow.
  • Do not roll around on the sidewalk in front of your house or eat grass to see what it tastes like
    • And why not, exactly?? There’s no good reason.

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