The Final Bow:

Sometimes you don’t exit on a high note:

grave341.jpeg

To quote from Monty Python:

“Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughin’ as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!”

If I just…

This is a conundrum of mine. I’m always convinced that if just one thing in my life were different, then I would be happy. Ok, so sometimes there are a lot of things, but there’s usually one BIG thing. Something you’re stuck on.

And I know this system doesn’t work, because I have repeatedly achieved (or been handed on a silver platter) the thing I was desiring, and for some reason, it hasn’t made me happy.

Now I know , that if only I can let go of this insane craving for things to be “different,” then I will finally be happy.

***

As you may have noticed, I like to help people. So consult the handy guide below to find YOUR compulsive self-lie!

[there will be a $20 one-time charge if your compulsion is on the list. Whether this actually helps you or just ends up making things worse is NOT the fault of the company. No refunds.]

“If only I…

  • Made more money
  • Could make my artistic passions my career
  • Had a romantic partner
  • Had a (competent) business partner
  • Was just a little bit more attractive
  • Was, like, a LOT more attractive
  • Was popular
  • Was a movie star, yet humble about it
  • Lived somewhere else
  • Was more outgoing
  • Had a different personality that made people not hate me
  • Could travel the world
  • Jumped off this building

…then I would be happy!”

And before you ask, no. I’m not saying that none of these things should be pursued or might contribute to your overall satisfaction with life. And yes, you should quit your dumb job that you hate.

Trust me, no one’s more bummed than I am that happiness cannot be reduced to one factor. NO ONE.

The Unwritten Rules

[now in Written form, for your convenience]

This is a list which is long overdue. It will be added to approximately whenever I think of a new thing. Also feel free to send in a comment if you have a rule to add to the list!

 

Unwritten Rules, The:

  • ALWAYS notice AND comment on someone’s haircut
    • even if their hair looks exactly the same as it always does, and you never look at other people anyway
  • When someone asks “How are you?” it is acceptable to respond with one of the following:
    • good
    • fine
    • ok
    • not bad
    • hey! how are you?
  • It is NOT acceptable to respond with
    • terrible
    • who the hell are you?
    • can’t you tell, dumbo?
    • I am currently experiencing an emotional crisis
    • ogga-booga-booga

note: thankfully, this norm is breaking the in Pacific Northwest. I now consistently tell people that I’m doing terribly, and have been met with some very positive responses.

  • Do NOT tell someone you’ve never met that they are damaging their child for life, even if they are damaging their child for life
  • Do not play the guitar after 10:15pm, the Saxophone after 11:30pm, or the drums after 1:30am
  • If you are in a boring meeting, it is unacceptable to throw paper clips into the air as a distraction and escape out the window.
    • It is appropriate, however, to fall asleep at the table, but ONLY IF you bring your own blanket and pillow.
  • Do not roll around on the sidewalk in front of your house or eat grass to see what it tastes like
    • And why not, exactly?? There’s no good reason.

a HANDY tip

If you’re self-conscious about how unusually tiny your hands are, try carrying a kitten with you everywhere. Your hands will look large by comparison, and also you will have a kitten.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑