On Poop, Carrying it with You

I realized this yesterday, when I had to double back to the park to throw away a bag of poop for the dog I had just walked.

Unwritten rule:

  • You can carry poop with you in a bag. Totally fine. Totally cool. In fact, it’s a positive thing because it means you didn’t leave poop on someone’s lawn or for someone to step in.
    • Still…hard to believe that in a society which considers pooping to be a very private activity, that it’s accepted to pick it up and carry it with you.

Unwritten Rules, The

[Now in written form, for your convenience]

You learn new things everyday, and I will be updating my list as needed:

  • Don’t bring a cow to work
  • Don’t walk backwards
  • Don’t write down the unwritten rules

If I just…

This is a conundrum of mine. I’m always convinced that if just one thing in my life were different, then I would be happy. Ok, so sometimes there are a lot of things, but there’s usually one BIG thing. Something you’re stuck on.

And I know this system doesn’t work, because I have repeatedly achieved (or been handed on a silver platter) the thing I was desiring, and for some reason, it hasn’t made me happy.

Now I know , that if only I can let go of this insane craving for things to be “different,” then I will finally be happy.

***

As you may have noticed, I like to help people. So consult the handy guide below to find YOUR compulsive self-lie!

[there will be a $20 one-time charge if your compulsion is on the list. Whether this actually helps you or just ends up making things worse is NOT the fault of the company. No refunds.]

“If only I…

  • Made more money
  • Could make my artistic passions my career
  • Had a romantic partner
  • Had a (competent) business partner
  • Was just a little bit more attractive
  • Was, like, a LOT more attractive
  • Was popular
  • Was a movie star, yet humble about it
  • Lived somewhere else
  • Was more outgoing
  • Had a different personality that made people not hate me
  • Could travel the world
  • Jumped off this building

…then I would be happy!”

And before you ask, no. I’m not saying that none of these things should be pursued or might contribute to your overall satisfaction with life. And yes, you should quit your dumb job that you hate.

Trust me, no one’s more bummed than I am that happiness cannot be reduced to one factor. NO ONE.

A Sale on Commodities

There is a growing market today for what we can buy and sell, including: dignity, vanity, hot pockets, and sheep. Who can say where it’s going next? Stay off the bandwagon by reading these free comics:

 

On bananas, weird places to find:

 

Store O’ Stuff:

Job Interview

Job interviews are an always odd and usually unpleasant experience. Particularly if you’re not qualified to do anything except drink tea & complain.

 

I think this comic says it all.

On jobs, strange requirements for:

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