The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part VII]

note: this special post is dedicated to Any Name Here. Happy Birthday!!

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…


MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend


Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing, Mark always remembered when it was Anthony’s birthday. And Anthony always remembered to ‘mark’ the calendar for the third week in August, as that was their annual ‘Pepper-Spray Day.’ The festivities were rampant. Mark did not celebrate his birthday.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part VI]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…


MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend


Mark Anthony were sitting together on a bench, watching the sun set. Anthony was leaning against the back-part of the bench, Mark was leaning against Anthony.

“Tell me something I don’t know, Anthony,” said Mark.

“You’re gay.”

Mark was bemused enough to lift his head.

“What?” said Mark.

“That’s right,” said Anthony.

“Oh,” said Mark. “Do I like you?”

“Yes,” said Anthony.

“Oh. Ok, then,” said Mark.

And he put his head-weight back against Anthony.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part IV]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…


MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend


Mark sat on a sofa, reading his favorite book. Anthony sat across from him, reading his second-favorite book. He couldn’t read his first-favorite because Mark had it. After a while he sighed, and put his book down.

“Mark?” he asked in a forlorn tone.

“Yes?” came a reply from behind the pages.

“I’ve been feeling sad lately.”

Mark put down his book to give Anthony his full concentration.

“You talk and I’ll listen,” he said.

“That is just what I wanted,” smiled Anthony, and began his sad tale. “I was walking home yesterday and it was really cold. And it made me feel sad. Really, really sad. It also made me feel cold. Plus, I am at that point in learning to juggle when I’m getting worse rather than better.”

Mark solemnly nodded his head to socially signal he understood, but did not interrupt Anthony.

“I have so many things that I need to remember that I make list after list until I can’t remember where I put the most recent one and start doing things that became irrelevant a month ago but I never crossed off. I fear that my excessive list-making will make my memory worse, but if I don’t make them, I forget things! If there is something I must remember and I think when I get home, I’ll put that on my list, when I get home that thought has flown the coop like a lone turtle. It has also become an obsession of mine to write down trivial tasks or things I have already done just so I can cross them off.”

That being said, he leaned forward, pulled a small piece of paper out of his bag, and crossed off Talk to Mark about List-making Problem.

“Anyway,” he said, “I can’t talk anymore. I have things to do.”

“I understand,” said Mark.

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part III]

Mark Anthony were the best of friends in many ways. For one thing…


MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend


Mark Anthony were the best of friends. Literally. No one was better at being friends than them. They made sure of it, because they were very competitive. Actually, only Mark was competitive. Anthony wasn’t. But they thought that was good, because they balanced each other out.

One day, Anthony was writing a short story for his class Unicorns & Disasters, but he was having trouble thinking of something to write about, except maybe Noah’s Ark. But that is used up, he thought.

Mark sensed that Anthony was struggling, so he walked over. This took a while, as Mark had been at the the local Farmers Market, and it was four miles away from Anthony’s house. He arrived out of breath—but thankfully still with purpose—for Anthony hadn’t thought of a single inspired idea the entire time.

“Anthony old pal, how can I help?”

“Well,” said Anthony, “You can help me by helping me.”

“Okay,” said Mark, “What are you writing about?”

“I don’t know,” said Anthony, “That’s the issue.”

“Hear me out…” said Mark, “What if…it was NOT an issue?”

“Good plan,” said Anthony, and set to work straight away. He wrote about how Unicorns are almost certain to be a cause of Disaster because of those silly pokey-things sticking out of their heads.

If you see a Unicorn, Anthony concluded, do not run straight towards it.

Unwritten Rules, The

[Now in written form, for your convenience]

You learn new things everyday, and I will be updating my list as needed:

  • Don’t bring a cow to work
  • Don’t walk backwards
  • Don’t write down the unwritten rules

The Adventures of Mark Anthony [part I]

sidenote: this has no point. You don’t have to read it, either. You could just walk away now. We’ll both be happier. Just walk away…



MARK: Anthony’s best friend

ANTHONY: Mark’s best friend

I am going to tell you a story now. It is a short story of tragedy and of wonder. And of two men—-both very short, both very wondrous.

They would go on adventures together. One always before the other, for how can you go on two adventures at once?

We begin with Mark Anthony sitting at a table doing nothing.

“What wonders shall befall us today, dear friend?” asked Anthony.

“I don’t know Anthony,” said Mark.

And they sat and they wondered what wondrous things were surely about to happen to them. But nothing happened that entire day, and they were disappointed.

Mark Anthony walked in rain together, feeling sad. At the train station they parted ways, for Anthony lived 300,000 miles south-east from his friend, who lived in the Grunchan Town Harbor Village.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, old pal!” shouted Anthony as the train began to pick up speed.

“Come no later than five, dear friend!”

“I’ll be there!”

Mark turned away from the platform. He and Anthony had been friends for longer than he could remember.

So long, in fact, that when referring to the two of them, people no longer bothered placing an ‘and’ between their names. Why, he had been only 27 when Anthony had first knocked on his door, wondering where the Milk Festival was taking place that year.

At least, Anthony had told him that was when they’d met, but Mark could never be sure that it was true.

His first recollection of Anthony was when he was 37 and living in Denmark. But he’d suffered severe head trauma on his 37th birthday when he was hit by a train, and could remember nothing that had happened before that time.

Because of this, Mark could truthfully say that he had known Anthony for longer than he could remember. But ever since that faithful day Mark had nursed a rational fear of trains, which was why Anthony made the commute to visit every morning and evening, instead of switching off who traveled (as some people would have thought common sense).

If I just…

This is a conundrum of mine. I’m always convinced that if just one thing in my life were different, then I would be happy. Ok, so sometimes there are a lot of things, but there’s usually one BIG thing. Something you’re stuck on.

And I know this system doesn’t work, because I have repeatedly achieved (or been handed on a silver platter) the thing I was desiring, and for some reason, it hasn’t made me happy.

Now I know , that if only I can let go of this insane craving for things to be “different,” then I will finally be happy.


As you may have noticed, I like to help people. So consult the handy guide below to find YOUR compulsive self-lie!

[there will be a $20 one-time charge if your compulsion is on the list. Whether this actually helps you or just ends up making things worse is NOT the fault of the company. No refunds.]

“If only I…

  • Made more money
  • Could make my artistic passions my career
  • Had a romantic partner
  • Had a (competent) business partner
  • Was just a little bit more attractive
  • Was, like, a LOT more attractive
  • Was popular
  • Was a movie star, yet humble about it
  • Lived somewhere else
  • Was more outgoing
  • Had a different personality that made people not hate me
  • Could travel the world
  • Jumped off this building

…then I would be happy!”

And before you ask, no. I’m not saying that none of these things should be pursued or might contribute to your overall satisfaction with life. And yes, you should quit your dumb job that you hate.

Trust me, no one’s more bummed than I am that happiness cannot be reduced to one factor. NO ONE.

A Sale on Commodities

There is a growing market today for what we can buy and sell, including: dignity, vanity, hot pockets, and sheep. Who can say where it’s going next? Stay off the bandwagon by reading these free comics:


On bananas, weird places to find:


Store O’ Stuff:

On Asking for a Raise

Quality Thought of the Day:

When asking for a raise, try to avoid certain word combinations, like:

“deep resentment”


“death of the soul”


How do I know this?


No reason.

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